An Open Letter to My Mustache

Author's Note: Some of you might have seen this on my facebook. For the roughly 3 Americans still out there that do not yet have a facebook (give it time...it'll happen when you're ready.), I repost this here for you:


Dear Magnum P.I.,

Let me preface this letter by saying that I've truly enjoyed our time together. You always (and I mean always) bring a smile to my face. When I have bad days, you're always there to lift my spirits. In fact, you've lifted the spirits of many in and around Mosul. But, like a baby panda, you have reached your peak of pulchritude. You came to me a nervous little shadow, and have blossomed into such a glorious spectacle. I am proud to call you mine. Your function is two-fold: 1) You make people smile (and the occasional child cry...though I really believe someone took his ice cream cone right before he saw me) and 2) You keep my lip warm during the cold Iraqi nights. Since spring has arrived, you serve only one purpose, and as Alton Brown says, a fire extinguisher should be your only unitasker. We both knew from Day 1 of "New Year, New Mustache" that there would be a wear-out date. Though I wasn't sure of how long you would be with me, I knew that you could never be a permanent fixture on my lip. That may come off as harsh, but understand me here: Personally, I think you are a great facial accessory. Some of the greatest men (and women!) have sported such lip warmers. Women, however, are not always so fond of the soup strainer. Furthermore, I am 100% sure that I could not trust any woman that truly believed you to be sexy. I'm not saying I don't think you're sexy. Let me rephrase: I don't think you're sexy. I'm 27, nearly 28, and I feel like it's probably about time to settle down and find a good woman to make me look better. You very well may stand in between me and my happily ever after, Magnum. I can't stand idly by while life passes me by. Thus, April 1, 2011, you will no longer be a part of my life. I'm giving notice so you can have a few days to get your things together, and possibly put out some feelers for future employment. I have nothing but good things to say about you, so if you do decide to seek employment elsewhere, you can count on a great letter of recommendation. Unfortunately, I just can no longer afford to keep you on...my lip. Good luck in your future endeavors, and vaya con Dios.

With All Sincerity,

XXXX "XXXXXX" XXXXXX

Boosting Morale 7,000 Miles From Home

We've been lucky these past 6 and a half months. We've run over 50 missions through some of the worst areas left in Iraq and haven't lost anyone. The rockets and mortars that occasionally make their presence known have been off-target, and other than an isolated incident involving a violent extremist (that's the new politically-correct term, FYI) posing as an Iraqi soldier, there has been no violence to speak of on our base. All that to say this: regardless of all those good things, this is not an easy deployment for anybody. Marital strife in the Army has almost become the norm, rather than the exception. One of my soldiers is dealing with that as we speak, and I can't imagine what he's going through. I spoke with another soldier on the bus yesterday who is on his 4th (yes, fourth) deployment. His daughter was born shortly before his first deployment, and is now 8. He has spent 4 years TOTAL with his 8 year-old daughter. That's another untold cost of war. Military divorce rates were through the roof but are finally starting to level off, but only now that the deployment cycles have slowed. A lot of the reason I'm here in this Army right now is so that that Staff Sergeant won't ever have to miss another year of his girl's life. Largely symbolic, but better me than that husband and father. We are halfway done here, but these kinds of stresses are huge burdens on us over here trying to finish the job so we can get back home to our loved ones. Unit morale is often affected by stress...be it inside the unit, problems back home, or just soldiers getting stuck in a rut. Morale in the workplace, regardless of the workplace, is INCREDIBLY important. It doesn't matter if you're a dishwasher at the Olive Garden or the Army Chief of Staff. If your morale is low, your job is affected. So, what can be done to boost morale in the workplace? Today, it was throwing a whole bunch of meat on the grill and pumping out awful hip hop music through computer speakers. It never ceases to amaze me how such a simple thing like a "backyard" BBQ can improve our morale. It's rare to have a "fun" day out here, but today was fun. I saw a platoon come together to put this "grillstravaganza" together and every single one of us had fun...for hours. 3 bags of charcoal, and roughly 30 pounds of meat were consumed and every soldier left with a smile on his face. Did we solve all our problems as a result of John's famous (near-)beer brats? No. But we were reminded of the fact that every single one of these soldiers here has whatever support that they may need, regardless of the situation, and that DOES (re)build morale.

Would you believe that the internet has been out for the last month? That's not even nearly true, but it would excuse my lack of musings. So, over the course of 1 month (these gaps between posts are growing, it seems) things have changed from week to week and even day to day. As I'm sure you're all aware, dear readers, we (the U.S. Army) are tentatively scheduled to leave Iraq completely by the end of this year. That being said we'd be remiss to not at least attempt to train the Iraqi army in the fine art of field artillery. Now, when the United States replaces old weapons systems with new ones, the old models are typically either scrapped and sold for parts, left to rust in "graveyards" somewhere, or given to third world countries as a show of compassion...or something like that. A few years ago, we replaced our M198 howitzer (dating back to 1979) with the M777. Now, I understand these numbers are probably Greek to the lot of you, but I will give you the most important differences between these two guns. The old one weighs every bit of 16,000 pounds and is manipulated completely by those unfortunate enough to be assigned to the weapon. The new one weighs just over 6,000 pounds, and has a lot in the way of hydraulic assistance. Needless to say, we don't like the old one anymore, so we're giving over 100 to the Iraqis. Now, that sounds like we're giving them our hand-me-downs...but these guns aren't bad. They're combat-proven, reliable pieces of equipment. Ironically, it's likely at least some of these guns sent what the Iraqi army called "steel rain" into Iraq in '91 and again in '03...So, they're getting a good deal (in terms of the guns, not in terms of ACTUAL cost). Anyhoo...these guns are essentially just 8 tons of steel unless somebody shows you how to properly operate them (and safely). Seeing as how my section is the best in the battalion, what other choice do they have but to have us train these future Iraqi Redlegs? Answer? Plenty, but they chose us. In the world of U.S. Field Artillery, there are essentially two camps: towed, and self-propelled. Most artillerymen spend their careers in one or the other. Based on the pictures I've posted, it's probably obvious to you, dear readers, that I fall into the "self-propelled" category with our M109A6 Paladins. The main difference between the two groups is that the towed guys LOVE to run around and are, for all intents and purposes, gluttons for punishment. See, my office is inside the Paladin, which means I only have to move slightly to perform any job inside the gun. The towed folks are constantly running and gunning outside the gun, wherever their helicopter or truck drops them off. There's a saying in the Army..."work smarter, not harder"...and the towed fellows definitely work harder. So, when it came down to find some Redlegs to train the Iraqis on a towed artillery piece, people with towed artillery experience would be the obvious choice. But our Creator has a wonderful sense of humor, apparently, because my platoon was chosen to first learn about this behemoth, then teach it to a group that knows probably 30 English words between them, none of which relates to artillery. Hilarious. Will this event ever come to fruition? Stay tuned, sports fans, because I don't even know since the plans keep changing from day to day and week to week. See how I tied that all together? Nice.

In other news...we're over halfway done here. Unbelievable, really. Seems like last week I was staring into the nothingness that is Kuwait wondering what awaited me. Now, I just can't wait to see Kuwait again, because that means I'll be headed home for a spell. Thanks for keeping up with me and my occasional ramblings, but feedback is always welcome...I might even post more often...just sayin'.